Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Truce? I wish.
I'm having SO MUCH MORE FUN than you, nyah nyah nyaaah!!!
Pip and Lucie have invented a new kitty sport.
It's a simple game of one-upcatship called "I'm Having More Fun Than You". Basically, you act like you're having a grand ol' time, doing whatever it is you're doing, all the better to annoy your rival with.
It started with a normal face-off: Lucie growling, Pip glaring.
Then Pip went over to the corner you see in the pic, with all the dirty laundry, and started Smellin' The Roses and scrunching up her face with great satisfaction, the way cats do when they encounter something pungent. Ohhh lovely.
Not to be outdone, Lucie lolled around the yellow bathroom rug, splayed on her back with her fuzzy tummy to the world in ostensible Relax Mode, ready to fall asleep from her IMMENSE satisfaction. Mmmm wonderful.
Blissfully oblivious as always, Teddy comes over to check out the camera
It was stupid crazy. Pip and Lucie are VERY POOR actresses. You can see how tense they really were.
What also gave them away was how they kept glancing at each other surreptitiously.
Heehee. And even if they did act really well, they sure didn't convince me:
- Pip isn't normally interested in smelly laundry and
- Lucie hardly ever naps at ground level.
After about 10 minutes of pointless posturing and faked satisfaction, Lucie won by a narrow margin and sauntered off, while Pip was left in the corner to scowl.
Them be good entertainers, cats.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Have you added me to YOUR blogroll yet, punk?
You'll notice the list of local blogs has expanded some.
I say More Power to Singapore CatBloggers.
To those who incorporate issues of responsibility and animal welfare in their posts.
To those who share their daily lives, living with and loving their pets or community animals.
To those who directly and/or indirectly show the world that animals aren't evil, but man's ignorance and apathy can be.
And to those who, by example, lead us towards the paths of compassion and wisdom, in dealing with animals and with each other [but treating other peple like animals doesn't count, har har].
SingaCatBloggers, I salute you!
Anyhoos... local bloggers who would like to be added and who aren't on the list, leave a comment or send me mail and I'll put you in. I want this list to be as comprehensive as possible. If you're a catblogger you'll be on the "cool cats"; even if you're not, I've been thinking of setting up a non-catblog category for some time.
International catbloggers, just a while more and I'll get to ya. I've got quite a few blogs I need to put up, I know. Sorry!
ps - Pip's avoiding me now. And she's kept a low profile for two days, quite a record for her. Clever little beast.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Angry Woman + I need HELP **Updated twice**
**Update the Second** 12:30 a.m.: Pip. Did. It. Again.
ARGH. Kill Pip. Kill kill kill. **/Update the Second**
**Update** Have uploaded pic of Doe's injury. He's uncharacteristically muted today. Pip must've really given it to him.
After the sandwich and the blogging, I ate two slices of chocolate rum cake just 'cos I was so pissed.
This is emotional eating at its worst, people. **/Update**
Woke up today to Pip tearing up and down the house looking particularly wild-eyed.
When Pip starts jumping around like a cat on a hot tin roof, something's up.
So I followed her to the living room where I found her frantically pawing at her favourite corner of the carpet, which was already folded over in a most incriminating manner.
[Incriminating because this is how she wraps her "presents" for me.]
All the other cats sat in a broad semi-circle and watched Pip's desperate cover-up from a safe distance. You could sense the nervous smugness in their eyes as they watched silently.
Oh ho Pip, you's in some serrrious s**t now. The Woman gonna smack you.
I turned the corner over - et voila - PIP POOP.
I am so mad. I am so incredibly angry.
This is our favourite carpet.
And only Pip has the gall to do this OVER and OVER and OVER again.
Pun not really intended but only Pip gives this kind of crap.
No other cat tries this rubbish.
The other cats know their place.
We've disciplined her, sprayed her with the water bottle, yelled at her, steam-cleaned the carpet Idunnohowmany times, sprayed Idunnohowmuch Bitter Lemon on it...
[We're wary of using vinegar or other strong cleaning agents on this carpet because we don't want to end up spoiling it, after all, Pip's already doing such a friggin' good job.]
We've done everything we can to break Pip's pooping pattern, even hid the carpet for a couple months, but it seems to be a neverending battle of wills. Pip appears determined to stick to her schedule.
Right now I want to slap her and chuck her against the wall, I am that angry.
[Nah, I won't do it. I'm just venting. Don't call the AVA please, I don't need more trouble right now!]
Pip was perfectly okay with the carpet at first, she only started this pooping-in-chosen-corner ritual a couple months ago.
This is exactly the same thing that happened with my favourite giant purple plush beanbag last year. Pip loved it, I loved it, we used to nap on the beanbag together.
[This was when we only had Pip and Doe, so Pip's motivation for her insanities isn't territorial.]
Then one day Pip decided that NO ONE NOT EVEN HERSELF could use it anymore, and she started peeing on it almost everyday.
The husband and I did everything we could. In the end we had to get rid of it.
I don't want to be forced into giving up this carpet, it's too beautiful and too expensive.
I need help. Can anyone give advice on
- How to break an especially stubborn cat's habits
- A really good, experienced professional carpet cleaner
- How to stop me stress-nibbling because I instinctively inhaled a ham-and-cheese sandwich after Pip's latest shenanigan [hey, since we're on the topic]
[Slight digression. Earlier this morning Doe came up to me with a mysterious bloody gash over his right eye.
I just saw a hissy Pip cornering a frightened-looking Doe and waving a threatening paw at his face. So now we know whodunnit... and Doe, for the love of God. You are the top cat in this house, and you're frightened of your sister the resident loony?!]
You're never safe when there's a Pip in the house
Right now as I'm typing this Pip is running up and down the study, jumping up the desks, shoving pens off and slapping Chocolate, acting very high-strung. She's probably trying to get our reassurance that we still love her.
Well rest assured Pip.
I REALLY HATE YOUR GUTS RIGHT NOW.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Here is photographic evidence of the fact:
I call this one "Seconds Before Disaster".
ps - Happy Holidays! :)
Friday, October 20, 2006
Ohhh my head.
Do not. Mess. With the Princess.
Was planning to sleep in a little bit today but this was thwarted by The Princess herself.
Pip was lying next to me doing her usual thing, ie staring obsessively at my face with dilated mad-looking eyes [while I tried to ignore her and get some rest].
I closed my eyes and after a while, felt a flutter past my leg. Okay, Pip's gone.
Just as I was about to relax I started hearing cat voices.
A duet. "Oww-oww mmowww wowww."
Sweet, clueless Boonie [R] with his sister and
Pip's other arch-enemy, Lucie [L]
I shuffled out of the bedroom to find Pip and Boonie in a hostile face-off, Boonie providing a rather melodious alto while Pip added a screechy soprano at the exciting bits.
The other cats were sitting around at a safe distance, watching the tension build up and looking a little scared [even Polly the Mad Midget Tortoiseshell, who normally doesn't give a flip].
"Ima gonna stay outta dis, ya know?"
Then Pip decided to practise her scales at a pitch and volume reserved only for emergency sirens and Mariah Carey: "Oww-wowww mrrrkeargghhh aaAAIIIEEEEEEEE SHRRRIIIIEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!!"
Pip's voice has this way of slicing in between your eyes, penetrating your skull and reverberating horribly in your poor tired brain. Ohhh it hurts.
I knew there was a catfight going on - Pip was rippin' balls of fur outta Boonie's fat tummy but Boo was still winning on account of size - but with echoes of Angry Cat Aria bouncing round my head, I couldn't care less.
So I went to the kitchen and called for a truce.
Once they heard the can of Avoderm being opened, EVERYONE rushed over and forgot about the fight. Except for Chocolate, who doesn't care for wet food: I fed her some special treat biscuits in the study.
You're seeing right, Pip's resting her idiotic little head on my boob.
Now as I'm typing this, Pip's come over to purr and cuddle on my lap. After a while she'll probably start kneading and suckling on the collar of my nightgown. As if nothing had happened, and the Pipperina Princess was the sweetest, most harmless thing in the world.
ps - Some of you may be wondering [or sniggering away] at my unfortunate choice of nightgown. When I first rescued a filthy and sick baby Pip, I wore these cheap tatty nighties while tending to her [easily disposable if dirtied beyond redemption].
Pip now associates these nightgowns with maternal lurve and throws tantrums if I don't wear 'em at least once in a while... alright fine... almost every day.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Expert Beauty Tip #23
It is a pleasant afternoon and I am lounging in my favourite black leather chair, preparing for a well-deserved nap before I get ready for my glamorous, decadent parties in the evening.
(The man is saying, "Chocolate, that's my chair!")
The sun is warm, the haze is not too bad, a breeze is blowing. Hope it doesn't ruffle my coiffure too much. I dare say I will be the life and soul of tonight's gatherings. As always.
("Get off you useless cat, I need to work!")
So many ignorant creatures think that being beautiful is an easy job. Trust me, it is hard, too hard for many of you. Take for example, my pre-party nap. Too short and I'm still tired, too long and I get that annoying fuzzy headache.
So you see, Beauty is a gift and a responsibility.
The Nap is an endeavour of precision.
You must understand, young kittens!
("I give up. I'm just going to sit here and work. You're going to smell my bottom and be squashed.")
If you don't nap, don't take care of your face and body, and waste time on worthless things like picking fights and consuming dangerous drugs like catnip, you end up looking as horrible as this:
Trust me, you don't want to resemble this hideous specimen photograph that I've only just dug up, oh, for purposes of demonstration:
And that's my Beauty Tip for today.
Till next time, darrrlings.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Quotable Quotes from Memorable Essays
I told you to let me destroy 'em all!
Excerpts from my recent examination marking. So you can peek into the insanity that is CatDonna's previous career and understand why I resigned from the service, laughing madly and throwing bricks in the air.
Also, some things just beg to be shared because they're so bad, they're good.
Boonie is glad to hear that he's not the dumb one for once
QUESTION: IS WAR EVER JUSTIFIED?
"World War Two was sparkled off by Hitler, the Nazi of Germany. He sparkled off the war because he wanted love and respect by his country people. This is probably because of his bad childhood. When Hitler was young, he was humanilated and they looked down."
Polly gets annoyed by the silliness already...
"... the Americans dropped a fat man and a little boy on Japan..."
While Teddy stays calm with deep breathing and stretching exercises
"During the Japanese occupation, the Japanese were very hard to move from their occupation. You see, they were very stubborn."
QUESTION: IS IT GOOD TO BE SELF-SUFFICIENT?
"Self-sufficient means you are content with what you have, your job, your clothes and food. Let me ask you, if you see some money notes on the street, what will you do? If you pick it up, you are greedy. If you only pick a few notes up, you are self-sufficient."
Napping Lucie looks real self-sufficient there
QUESTION: ARE PARENTS TO BLAME FOR INCREASING INDISCIPLINE IN SCHOOLS?
"When parents are young, they are punished with the stick on their backsides or on their hands. So they grow up with a fear of the stick. When they become parents, they remember the fear of the stick, when their mother stood behind them and breathed down their neck and held the stick in her hand. So they do not give their children the stick. Then the children have no fear of the stick. When the children want something, they will bang* their arms and legs until they get what they want."
*The hilarious, unfortunate [and unintended] sexual overtones of this paragraph climax, pardon the pun, in this word - "bang" is a colloquial term in British English referring to sexual intercourse. Is the word used similarly in American English? Can someone enlighten me on this? Thanks.
Choc can only lie down and sighhhhh
And this is my favourite, the one that got me gasping "What?!" and *groan* *facepalm* at 7:20 am in the morning:
QUESTION: TO WHAT EXTENT IS EDUCATION THE SOLUTION TO POVERTY?
"Education has two functions: to develop your manpower, and to develop your manhood."
Pip and Doe blow raspberries...
... And Doe walks away
Will update if I can remember more samples.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Update: Hazel The Nut
Thanks to Pauline for the pics
Hazel, apparently, is doing very well after his adoption.
According to the adopters' daughter who keeps in touch and occasionally sends pics [some of which you see here], he is "well-behaved and manja [a local term for 'attention-seeking and affectionate']." He likes to sit with Daddy and watch television. He rules the living room and chases all the other cats away [he lives with four other kitties]. And the naughty thing is allowed to sleep on the humans' bed, it seems.
High and mighty
He was beginning the teething process when he was first adopted, so his adopters did wonder about the bad breath. They've changed his name [for now] to Pipi, which literally translated from Mandarin Chinese means "Fart Fart". MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA.
[The breath has improved since then, though.]
I need to tell you about the day Hazel was adopted.
Hazel at the adoption drive.
Pic shamelessly ripped off from 5 Cat Style and the Flyer's blog. Thanks! ;)
Hazel was adopted at the cat adoption drive held during a major show, a couple months back.
And he hated it. Hated everything about it. Hated being away from Mummy Pip for the FIRST TIME IN HIS LITTLE LIFE. Hated the other cats around him [he'd always hated other cats; Pip had trained him well]. Hated the noise, the humans gawking, the cold.
So he huddled into a ball in his cage and implemented a policy of total uncooperativeness, the poor lil' monster.
The first potential adopter was a young woman with boyfriend. "I have an old Persian who's very sweet and gentle, is this one a nice little kitty?" She asked to hold Hazel for a while [all things considered, Hazel is a demon but looks like a cuddly sweetie-pie]. Hazel was fine when I held him, until I was just about to hand him over...
... then he LUNGED, SCREAMED AND SPAT at the young lady with such vehement ferocity that everyone in the adoption ring was shocked into silence. Staring at me while I bundled Hellcat into the cage and apologised to the traumatised woman.
Some of the other cat fosters came up to me after that and said, "Wow, you got a fierce one there".
SP came up to me and said, "Hazel really takes after his mad mother huh" [twirling finger round temple in significant manner].
A couple of gawkers/ potential adopters came into the ring, pointed at Hazel and concocted some crazy story about how Hazel must be half-Bengal, Oh look at his tabby markings, and how fierce he was just now.
Hazel had to be switched to a quieter cage in a corner because he was getting very tense.
The second potential adopters, a newlywed couple, only got to look at Hazel because when they came near he kinda guessed what they wanted, and started hissing and swiping at the bars. Again, they were looking for "sweet and gentle", not "bloodthirsty and quite possibly insane".
By then it was 3:30 pm and I decided to leave at 4.
No point prolonging the torment.
Round about 3:45 pm a family came in and the mother went over to Hazel. Hazel went into his usual welcome song-and-dance [snarl, swipe, heckles raised].
... And the lady pointed at him and said,
"I like his spirit! I'll take this one!"
And we all lived happily ever after.
"Pipi" and adoptive Papa.
Damn Hazel - I mean, Little Fart - NEVER let me cuddle him like that.
They say sometimes you choose the animal, sometimes the animal chooses you.
What I can say is I think Hazel and his new family are very happy together. And sometimes these things are just meant to be.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Don't be cross, I'm only a sweet widdle kitty...
[damn your ass, woman!]
I'm going to rant about what an idiot Pip was on Saturday. God, it's days like these I wonder why the heck I didn't just put her up for adoption from the start.
I mean when SP herself, an experienced catsitter with over 300 cats under her charge, shook her head in fascinated horror and said "CatDonna, your Pip is kinda crazy" while twirling her finger round her temple in a significant manner, I should have known I've got a mix of Psycho and The Exorcist playing in my hands.
Instead, I just laughed and said "Yeah, she's got personality".
Personality, my foot.
Anyway, I dunno if the planets were in an especial alignment for obnoxious and stupid behaviour last weekend but Pip certainly outshone her past achievements that Saturday.
As you all know, my last weekend was no weekend at all as I was frantically marking examination essays in time for the Monday deadline. So while I was stressing out, Pip decided to help.
First she lounged about the desk glaring at me.
The librarian is in
Then she must have thought, Oh dirty looks are not enough for this woman.
So she hopped into the cardboard lid cum makeshift script box and chewed it out.
"You should be so grateful I'm helping you with the scripts"
Then she CHEWED AND MANGLED A SCRIPT, the stupid animal, and that was when I put the camera down and expelled her from my workroom.
Only three weeks old, and already Pip was planning the destruction of my workroom
A low-grade cabin fever was getting to me so I took my scripts and went to mark in the living room.
Pip thought it was a good idea to dive under the scripts and fling them up in the air - which she proceeded to do several times.
Then she fought with Lucie.
Then she fought with Polly.
Then she fought with Chocolate [you like that don't you, Bonnie].
Then she fought with Boonie and I HAD ENOUGH SO I GRABBED PIP AND SHOOK HER AND YELLED CUT IT OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MISERABLE FREAK WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UUUPPPPP!!!!!!!
All the cats ran away in fright, while Pip struggled in my grip and tried to bite my thumb. Finally I put her back down on the floor and she lay quietly next to me. Behaving, at last. She didn't even flinch when her arch-enemy Lucie came and lay beside her for a while.
About the only time Pip doesn't start trouble
After a bit I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, Pip followed as usual, and as she jumped up the glass wall of the shower cubicle I walked out of the bathroom.
Then I heard
the SHRIEEEK!!! of a Pip tumbling off the wall and
the BAM!!! of a Pip hitting the toilet bowl and
the CRASHHH!!! of a Pip landing on the detergent bottles on the floor and then
Pip shot out the bathroom at top speed, her lower lip bleeding slightly. Apart from that, no discernible injury. Thank goodness.
Pip was pretty subdued the rest of the day.
Till next time, sucker
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Let them eat c***!
So I made her a cake.
On the carpet. Not the cheap carpet of course, the expensive one. Birthdays only come once a year you know.
Yum yum chocolate bum, I mean rum.
It's also the last day of the woman's job assignment so if you don't get regular posts soon after today, you have my permission to kill her.
Love to all. Don't be deceived by Chocolate Tramp.
ps - I have a cut lip. I fell off the shower cubicle wall on Saturday and hit my head on the toilet bowl. Dammit.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Like Water For Chocolate
this is Chocolate Tigress, possibly the most beautiful cat in the House of CatDonna. I say "possibly" because it makes me sound slightly more modest, and it gives the other ragtag moggies here some faint, vain hope of perhaps surpassing my terribly good looks one day.
Beat this, losers!
Not that it is likely to happen. My maddening beauty is like a large, gloriously luxuriant apple tree. In comparison, some scrawny miserable mog's poor looks are about as withered and insignificant as a pip. But let's not go there.
Does my beauty make me arrogant and grasping? Perhaps it does, but you love me for it, don't you. Blame it all on my deprived kittenhood: before my rescue, I was a skinny underfed [albeit in an endearing, Kate-Mossy, homeless chic way] stray kitten begging for scraps in a dingy coffeeshop.
So now that I can have anything I want, I'll take it all, baby.
Yes, actually, this is my bed. Since you asked.
Including a drink that the woman had, next to her elbow, while she was marking some examination scripts at home earlier this week. I was sauntering up and down the study perfecting my already perfect catwalk, and feeling the thirst from all that hard work posturing.
It was a bowl full of something that looked like a light consomme of sorts. Mmm, soup. So I sashayed over and took a deep, grateful lick.
Then everything went black for a while.
When I regained consciousness I was moaning quietly in a corner, my lush fur bristling like 80's punk mohawks never went out of fashion. [Thank God the 80's retro styles are still in.]
The stupid woman was hunched over like the freakishly ugly double-chinned Quasimodo she is, laughing at me. When she finally stopped long enough to talk, I was informed that I apparently:
- Said "AAIIEEEEE"
- Leapt about a foot in the air
- Did kung fu chops with all four legs in every direction
- Shook my head furiously going "HHAAACCCKKKK KKOOOFFFF GAAARRRGGHH"
- Ran, frothing at the mouth, into a corner where I started moaning
It wasn't soup, it was a herbal remedy of sorts. And it was. Very. Bitter.
I hate the woman sometimes. All the other times she drank water, but this time I'm sure she put this poison out to trick me.
But that's life, isn't it? Someone said it was like a box of Chocolate.
Only one Chocolate but I'm all you need, honey
Ah well. I'm still gorgeous.
Off I go to think some more beautiful thoughts, probably on the human's bed or the woman's favourite clothing.
Love you all, my darling darrrling readers.
ps - This post is replicated in the Attack of The Tabbies. Sharing is Caring, people!
It's tough being perfect, you know