Monday, March 06, 2006

Confessions of a Suckling Cat

That thar fine blog has mentioned a subject close to mine heart. As well as the woman's, literally. The suckles. Mmmm, SUCKLING. Whoa yeah.

Kittens taken too early from their biological mother sometimes develop interesting behaviours. Suckling and kneading are very common ways of expressing ourselves. Very comforting if you ask me.

This isn't limited to cats that have been hand-raised from young. Sometimes, even cats with a complete and perfectly happy kittenhood will suckle and knead to show affection towards humans and/or objects.

It all depends on the cat though.

My stupid brother Doe only kneads the humans' laps, and that only when he's in a good mood. Then he really pumps it, like an over-eager trainee masseuse in a Shanghai reflexology parlour. Teddy too.

Chocolate kneads very gently, almost imperceptibly... but I hate her so let's not talk about her. Tramp.

Despite being hand-raised since they were 3 days old, Lucie and Boonie don't suckle, only knead. They've always been strange little things.

POLLY IS A PSYCHO TEDDY BEAR LOVIN' SUCKLE FREAK, and I in my sagacious wisdom have captured it as evidence for posterity. Lookit here!

At first bite, Polly hits nipple

I mean, hello, does Polly actually think her mother was a bear?!?!?!? Crazy hobo!!!!

Love Suck[le]s: A Close-Up

Can I say that again? FREAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!

Gleefully sucking "Mommy's" toes, Polly challenges social norms of inter-species love

Let's move on to the best bit, shall we?

The I is always superior. You should see how I have used this endearing suckling tendency of mine to establish my natural dominance over these pitiable humans. I've built up a routine for when the woman comes home, and I stick to it. It works!

Behold the drool spot of my lurrrve!
[Kindly ignore boob at top left corner.]

Here's my advice for all kitties out there who want a comfortable suckling routine, without the fuss of repeating your instructions to the humans or suffering the humiliation of a stuffed-toy substitute [ha HA, midget tortoiseshell FREAK]:

  1. When the Sucker comes home circle her, whining loudly. Trust me. They love the attention.
  2. Follow her to the bedroom where she will change out of her work clothes.
  3. Here's the fun part! You can choose which items of clothing you want your Sucker to wear. If she wears the WRONG clothing! then you can either up the whining by a pitch, or walk away in a markedly offended manner. She'll change, just to please you.
  4. Once the Sucker wears the RIGHT clothing you can come back purring happily. Remember to show your positive reaction consistently and immediately, so the humans can see the link between their action and your response. [For me, the RIGHT clothing is this set of cheap old tees and nightgowns the woman wore to bottle-feed me and Doe when she first rescued us. I only suckle on these. Oh happy memories.]
  5. Get on and suckle! I usually stand in front of my Sucker [the woman] chirruping happily, before I jump up to her waist and get a good grip on her clothing. She'll cuddle me and sit in front of the computer, where I'll suckle a piece of clothing + knead myself into euphoric oblivion on her lap. It feels so good I purr all the time, and then I fall asleep, and then I wake up and suckle again... Mmmm. Bliss.
If your intended Sucker doesn't get it right the first, second, or tenth time, don't worry. Patience and perseverance, comrades! Humans CAN be trained. All best.

A satisfied customer

Happy Pip!

This is hilarious! :P
Polly suckles on fur? And Pip suckles on cloth? They'll put rubber pacifiers out of biz soon!

~5-Cat Style
ok, polly suckling on the teddy is a leettle freakish ...
I am a suckling cat too. I just love to sit on the sofa or any lap before I launch a wet sloppy attack on my round tummy. Daddy & Mummy wonder if I still have some milk left over from my pregnancy 5 years ago. What an insult!!

Meow, Kim Kim
Hello hello! Heh.

[gross update ahead]

I've noticed that Pip's teats are a little red and swollen recently,and she hasn't been bugging me as much, so maybe she's found a different target for now.

[/gross update]
when i was just a little kitty my mommy ran away. so my sisters and i tackled my brother and found the first thing that felt like a nipple...his private area. i didn't know any better at the time! don't judge me. so my human lady had to seperate us from him. so now she (my human) lets me suckle on her chest whenever i want to. forget the clothes and teddies...go for the bare chest. it's great and a lot less freakish!
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