Thursday, April 06, 2006

Chief Inspector Teddy, the Catrix, and the Mysterious Piplets: Confidential Report

On 31 March, a strange and awesome thing happened in the laundry basket. Inspector Pip was investigating some stinky clothing inside when all of a sudden, she popped two aliens! Like in a space alien movie! I think she didn't know what happened, either!

I am Chief Inspector Teddy and I must find out how these little aliens came to us. Pip calls them her Piplets. I think they have made her crazy.

I hope they won't eat us. That would be so scary! Let me think about that. Mommy says I look so beautiful when I think. I don't understand why she always giggles uncontrollably and hums the Twilight Zone theme after she says that.

Quiet: Thinking In Progress

... Okay. I've thought about it. I think I'm right. It would be very... scary.

That means I have to consult the Oracle of the WiseBox.

The Oracle knows all

I bet you don't know who the Oracle is! The Oracle is my friend. He lives in the WiseBox. He looks like a white little cat claw or arrow and he dances on the screen. I love to watch him dance. Next time you see the Oracle, tell him Teddy said hi and he'll dance for you too.

I asked Who are the Piplets? Will they eat us?
And the Oracle *in a soft breathy voice* answered Neo, you are the One!
I said Oh Oracle you are very clever! Could you explain your answer? And who is Neo?
The Oracle replied Oh got your name mixed up there. Sorry.

See? The Oracle even knows he made a mistake. THE ORACLE KNOWS ALL!

Suddenly a voice spoke. "You MORON!!! The Oracle's only a CURSOR!!! You've been fooled by the Catrix!!!"

*gasp*!!! It was the maverick Lucie Trinity, better known as Lucinity! She suddenly appeared, crouching over the WiseBox, and glared at me. I was so scared!

Lucinity and I then engaged in a battle of sharp wits! I must admit, I was a little nervous...

Lucie: What battle of sharp wits? More like ONE WIT and ONE TWIT!
Me: Umm, erm, I'm so glad to have this opportunity -
Lucie: Shuddup! I'm not interested. So. You wanna know the truth?
Me: Oh oh oh... I'm so excited I'm afraid I'll wet -
Lucie: *weary sigh* Red pill or blue pill?
Me: I know the answer!!! The answer is I only eat kibble usually, but when Mommy's free -
Lucie: AARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! *vanishes*
Me: ... and on weekends sometimes, we get wet food, and then once in a while, Mommy changes the brand of kibble, and I like to crunch the... Where did she go?

Oh shucks. I was about to impress Lucinity with my favourite conversation topic. I thought it was going so well?

Teddy's 3-week-old inner kitten: sad

Then I was so sad! Sad that everyone bullies me and thinks I'm fat and stupid! Even Mommy won't teach me to open the can and use the spoon to scoop out the lovely wet food... *sob* I'm so hurt!!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Then a gentle low voice behind me spoke: "You struggle to overcome the spoon, in order that you may eat your wet food. But. Neo. There is no spoon!"

It was Doe-pheus!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I have faith in you. You are the One!"

His words greatly encouraged me. Yes, I shall overcome all obstacles and solve the case of the Piplets!!! All I have to do is close my eyes and concentrate...

Like so

... and I'll find out the answer by myself! So I closed my eyes and:

When I woke up I felt MUCH better.

Off I went to see the Architect, and perhaps ask him some questions.

I found him hiding behind a folded quilt.

Hello there

"Architect Boonie!" I said. "I have evidence that you were with Pip soon before she popped her Piplets. Care to examine this photograph?"


Boonie's deep golden eyes widened at Chief Inspector Teddy's new-found confidence!!! So he decided to cooperate. Woot!

"Actually, I don't know much, but Pip did mention an old quarrel with her arch-nemesis, Chocolate..."


Speak of the devil's kitty cat! Just as Boonie mentioned her devious name, Chocolate "The Terrible" Krachowski leapt out of nowhere and launched a surprise attack!!!

I fought back!!! Finally I managed to subdue the wily Chocolate Tart.

Chocolate defeated

"Very well! I'll confess!" Choc growled, her ears flattened with annoyance. "The Piplets were my creation! It was I who carried out a scientific research expurriment on Pip.

"Using high-risk technologies, I tried to combine Pip's DNA with another cat's to create a super kitty. I wanted a cat with Pip's cunning and with great furry cuteness, who could join me as a partner in crime to set up dens of feline vice, full of drugged mice and catnip tea and hot sweet kitty love.

"I have succeeded! Now all I have to do is kidnap the Piplets and I can begin to groom them! We shall be known as the Krachowski Sisters! Heh heh heh..."

Grudgingly, I admitted that it was a good plan. "But whose DNA did you mix with Pip's to create this fearsome cat?"

Choc looked at me with mock innocence in her large, soulful eyes.

"Why, yours of course." She replied.


"I can't believe this is happening"

"It's really very easy you know. You eat and sleep so much, all I had to do was wait until you were full and in deep sleep before I could extract your DNA samples," Choc continued with the calm of a seasoned criminal.

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Mommy will never love me again. She'll kick me out the house to eat scraps from the rubbish chute.

No more soft beds! No more kibble! *sniffle* I want to cry!!!

But surprisingly, Chocolate took pity on me and decided to help me out. Umm, she taught me to tell this story:

"Uh oh, I think I'm going to be framed"

You see, I was sterilised two months ago so it can't be me, right? And Boonie's not sterilised yet so it's got to be him, right? RIGHT!!!

Like Choc says, I must persuade Mommy to be logical about this, and not simply to trust her own gut feel or what she sees.

Therefore, after my thorough investigation, I conclude that the culprit responsible for the Piplets is Boonie!!!

Chief Inspector Teddy


The woman replies:

Oh I really don't know... I mean, a picture's worth a thousand words and, you know, your coat patterns ARE kinda similar...

You get a sense of deja vu looking at their very unique stripes...


If you squint, you can see the same tabby patterns down the spine and fanning out the sides


He looks like the odd one out, actually

What do YOU think???


Oh my this is so exciting! Teddy or Bonnie? I will think about it during the day...during work...hoho. Love this, laughing so hard now I have stomach ache...
This is a really good script. You must be a fan of The Matrix to remember all the names so well.

On the other hand, seeing such a well thought out and long post from you means only one thing: both kittens are doing fine. Yea. If not, you where got time to think and write such a good post.

I still think it's Teddy. Kim Kim already has my permission to bet 40 kibbles on it.

Regards, kxbc
Hmm. Boonie? * scratch head *
Ho ho ho! Teddy, Teddy, can run but you can't hide. Hee hee hee!
Great story, btw. Thanks for the laughs, CatDonna. Heh..
oh so funnnnnnnny!!! but if teddy is sterilised how can he father the kids!!! hm.. but its so funnny! u know wat , teddy is so cute ermm i tink its good that there is some offsprings with his great cute genes! yah i know, that woudl be selfish coz i am not thinking of the gazillions of lost kittens out there but yup, teddy is cute!
This is great!

Teddy was adorable when he was a kitten.
I want a kitten! GK of course would kick my ass if I bought another cat home....

Inspector Teddy, you are such a excellent story teller.
Insp Teddy,
What did Seraph say? Have you been 'tested' by him? Did he show you the inroads?

Those backlanes might tell you if Choc used other DNA sources, and was jsut withholding info from you.

Maybe there proto-Neos involved, (aka Meos) in Choc's diabolical scheme? Maybe that's why you've got the 50-50 mix.

In any case, Choc did an awesome job splicing chromosomes!

PS you'll have to meet our Teddy someday, Teddy-cats of the world unite!
sweetest little things!!
...Insp Teddy or Agent Smith???!!! its seems the Catrix may have a problem with an out of control cat wanting to take control by means of replicating (well had a problem..its been dealt with now...the Catrix has been sterilsed/reset...until the true Neo arrives ... BooNEO - ah those humans never got my name right!!!)
BTW, I only liked the first Matrix movie. :P

cat_aunty: Glad to know you like it! How is auntycat doing?

kxbc: You're right, now that Fiver is strong enough to suckle I don't actually need to do much besides feed Pip. 40 kibbles is no small potatoes. Kim Kim's a high roller!

celeste: You think so? I'm not so sure myself, but Hazel and Fiver don't look like Boonie to me?

auntie p: You sound VERY sure. Heehee!

Anon 1: I agree that Teddy is a super cute kitty and has a nice personality. But time will tell if the babies take after him [and if he's the father in the first place!]. My gosh. If they turn out as obnoxious as Pip I will faint.

cat: Yeah, as a kitten Ted was this plump little furball that cried a lot. Well, he's not so little now but some things don't change. ;)

GK: Thank you for the compliment! Teddy is so flattered because all of us here think the gigolo kitty himself is a superbly funny writer. A witty kitty, if we may say so. :D

calsifer: Insp Ted didn't go down any back lanes because he would get very frightened in 30 seconds and run back to CatDonna, all crying and panicky. It's happened many times, along the common corridor RIGHT IN FRONT of our flat. Ted's not exactly adventurous!

animalfamily: So are yours! Hope Rosie gets the award for cutest pet!

Anon 2: Ah, another BooNEO supporter? Like I say, time will tell... ;)
Popping the Piplets!!!!! I LOVE it!
Wow, how many pple did you have to bribe for them to comment on your blog? hahah. You should be glad that Pip has kids, and I think you know there's no way you're giving them up for adoption. So that's what, 9 in the house now? Not to mention the other pets? If you want more space or peace of mind, get rid of something else. I remember this chap hanging around you that speaks funny english. are you still keeping him around? :P
Nice use of the movie - good thing I told my people to watch it. Piplets is a great term. So, how long does a cat stay pregnant? Teddy's been sterile 2 months... when were the piplets conceived?
scooby, shaggy & scout: Yes, not only have the Piplets popped, their eyes have just opened as well. Pics coming soon.

jencrs: I pay REALLY good bribes, okay. Unfortunately, it's the funny welsh chap who sponsors the bribes so can't get rid of him.

bonnie underfoot: A cat's gestation period is about 9 weeks... so it's all up in the air if Ted is the father... heh!
Well, um, are cats like 'bean guys. I hear they can still make aliens three months after their surgery....hmmm. ~Merlin
Oh ho ho ho. I think you're onto something there Merlin. ;)
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